恨錯與自戀

「人生就是不斷在後悔中輪迴。」有一集小丸子卡通中，小丸子姐姐說出這麼一句嚇人的說話。

我想，這世上的確有不少人在回顧自己的人生時，能夠說出「今生無悔」這句豪言狀語－即使說的人本來身覺得這種態度十分理所當然，但現實中，更多的人時常有在回首過去時、在夜蘭人靜時、在疲憊不堪時，出現一種「恨錯」的心理。

「點解我讀中學時唔讀好Ｄ書呢？」

「點解我個時唔對女朋友好Ｄ呢？」

「點解我以前唔抽多Ｄ時間陪下仔女呢？」

「點解我唔响阿嬤仲在生時同佢傾多Ｄ計呢？」

「點解我當年唔响仲算靚仔時媾多Ｄ女呢？」

「點解我個時唔上呢？」（呢個「上」大家可以自行解讀…）

我們總覺得自己錯過了很多的機會，總是認為如果能讓我再來一次，我一定會做得更好，總是不切實際的想著如果可以穿越時空回到過去就好啦…

嘛，有這種心態是無何厚非的，畢竟時光一去不復返，「過去的我」總是有「現在的我」所沒有的魅力。可是，我近來覺得，「現在的我」其實也不是太一無是處嘛，雖然「現在的我」腰圍數字身線上升，髮線在不斷挑戰最高峰，額頭的火車軌也在不停加開班次……

其實，這些都不重要的。因為，十年過去後，那個「十年後的我」在回首「現在的我」時，會格外懷念現在這個不堪的我…大概。現在的走下坡，可能是未來的成熟美；現在的世故，可能是未來的天真 ；現在的逆境，可能是未來的小波折。

重要的是，無論是八歲的你、十八歲的你、廿八歲的你、四十八的你、六十八和八十八的你，都有其可愛可取之處。人，本來就不需要刻意和誰去比個高下，包括和自己的比較，都是多餘的。Everyone can be lovable and capable.

幾天前，一位同事忽然間問我：「Tony你近排係咪拍拖啊？」

我想了一想，回答她：「係啊，我同緊我自己拍拖，我同我依家honey moon緊囉。」

同事笑而不語。

因此，以後若果你出現「恨錯」的感覺時，不妨嘗試「自戀」一下，去尋找自己的可愛可敬可取之處，去肯定自己的努力和成就，去關心自己，去鼓勵自己，去獎勵自己，去愛自己。之後，你會發現，你眼中的世界，會出現一點點－可能很微少，但確實存在－一點點的改變。世界可能變得美麗了一點點，稱心如意之事會令人更開心一點點，不如意的事也會變得可接受了一點點。

嗯，可能改變只有那一點點，但很多時，我們做人求的就是那一點點而已，對嗎？

Three things in life by Unknown

Three things in life

 Three things in life that, once gone, never come back

1. Time
2. Words
3. Opportunity

Three things in life that may never be lost

1. Peace
2. Hope
3. Honesty

Three things in life that are most valuable

1. Love
2. Self - Confidence
3. Friends

Three things in life that are never certain

1. Dreams
2. Success
3. Fortune

Three things that make a man/woman

1. Hard work
2. Sincerity
3. Commitment

Three things in life that can destroy a man/woman

1. Alcohol
2. Pride
3. Anger

Three things in life that, once lost, hard to build-up

1. Respect
2. Trust
3. Friends

Three things in life that never fail

1. True Love
2. Determination
3. Belief

《皇上無話兒》與右腦思維（內含劇透）

King's Speech是一部很不錯的電影，從劇情的鋪排、演員的技藝、對歷史的適度刻畫、平實真摯的感情、恰到好處的幽默、故事的啟發性等等，都做到所能想像的最佳水準。獲得最佳電影的美名可算是對這種「人生導向」類的作品的鼓舞和一種肯定。

電影中，頗我深思的一段是Lionel在承認自己並無任何專業資格時，說他自己醫治語言障礙的方法，全是身在澳洲時，替那些因參加第一次世界大戰而出現心理陰影的歸國士兵們治療，經過無數經驗累積下來的治療法。因此，他的治療手法雖然感覺雜亂無稽，又沒有任何理論基礎或臨床實驗支持，可是你不得不佩服他的治療手法比任何專業治療師要多，聽歌、唱歌、跳舞、爆粗、做運動、面部鬆弛…一種試完又有另一種，一種又不行還有一百種，最後總會找到一種有用的。

在解決問題時，邏輯主導的左腦思維需要有充分的數據支持，有明確的理論基礎，然後才夠膽開始做實驗，先用最簡單的白老鼠開始，然後是猴子，再接著找自願者…這種嚴謹而按步就班的思維造就了西方在自然科學上的成就，可是每每涉及人類不確定性的領域時，就難免左支右絀了。

另一方面，右腦思維則是感性的、直覺性的、勇於冒險的，想到一個方法就先試了再說，不行又再試另一種，再不行又再試…最後在一千種方法中，找到其中一百種有效的方法，接著又有另一個人再去試那一百種方法，狠一點的還會「不信邪」再回頭去試之前失敗了的九百種方法，經過不斷的努力之後，最後找出其中十種恆之有效的方法，就把它們記載下來留給後代…中國的醫學、針灸、氣功、風水等等，就是這種屢敗屢戰的成果。硬要分類的話這算是統計學的一種應用吧。要注意的是，統計學不算是科學，它只能找出兩個現象有關聯，但不能找出其中的原因。它們看似沒有道理，但都有一個共通點－「有效」。嘛，就這兩個字已足夠氣死不少科學家了。

右腦思維固然忍受不了左腦的悶蛋和小心眼；左腦思維則認為右腦做事太隨便衝動又不顧後果。

事實上，低層次的右腦思維有時的確會做出不少可笑的行為，正因為時常抱著「寧可信其有」的嘗試心態，因此很容易受謠言的影響而做出不少腦殘的行為（例如搶盬啦…），作為一個右腦思維傾向的文化，我們中國人也比其他文化的人迷信，也特別容易沈迷賭博，這些都是事實。可是當右腦思維的去到一個較高的層次時，它們比任何左腦思維的解決問題能力都要高，也比任何人都富創造力、啟發性，這些也是不容忽視的。

Why Don't You Understand?

Suppose you've been having trouble with your eyes and you decide to go to an optometrist for help. After briefly listening to your complaint, he takes off his glasses and hands them to you.

"Put these on," he says. "I've worn this pair of glasses for ten years now and they've really helped me. I have an extra pair at home; you can wear these."

So you put them on, but it only makes the problem worse.

"This is terrible!" you exclaim. "I can't see a thing!"

"Well, what's wrong?" he asks. "They work great for me. Try harder."

"I am trying," you insist. "Everything is a blur."

"Well, what's the matter with you? Think positively."

"OK. I positively can't see a thing."

"Boy, are you ungrateful!" he chides. "And after all I've done to help you!"

---------- p.236, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People ----------

Every time I reviewed my life, I always considered this book as the bible of my life, which guided me no matter when I was up, or down. Nevertheless, we usually forget the precious lessons of what we've learnt before. We sometimes make mistakes that if we got a chance to look back, we would simply expressed, "Oh! I was young and stupid!" Or "Oh! I was just stupid!"

According to Covey, if we really want to have a truly effective communication with others, we should first seek to understand before being understood. In other words, we shouldn't just give out advices, opinions, or anything that are based up on our own experiences, before understanding that unique individual. How can we prescribe without proper diagnosis? It simply won't work. And yet, if we estimate our daily life carefully, maybe we are just another exemplar of the ignorant optometrist who gave out a prescription that worked for himself, without a single effort to know more about his patient.

Recently, I was trying to become a supportive friend, who can understand one's problem and provide valuable advices to those who looked for my help. Well, I think I did pretty well at the beginning, and such circumstance had put me on a self-satisfied status. Then I started to lose my patient. I became less considerate. I gave advices before fully understanding my friend's status. I might had listened, but I didn't try to understand my friend. I only listened to accumulate useful details, analyzed the situation, and then gave out answers without empathic listening - the most important step of communication.

Now when I looked back, I should have sensed that my friend didn't get much support from me on that day. During our conversation, I kept mentioning that "influencing another individual is a challenging and time consuming process." I repeated myself again and again. At the end I even thought, "Man, how many times do I need to tell you to get the words into your head! Are you really going to make the mistakes that I have just pointed out a few seconds ago? WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?????"

As you can see, I totally didn't realised that I was making exactly the kind of mistakes I kept talking out! Yeah, influencing another individual is hard, it is not something you may achieve in a day. I should know it. So why panic? What's the rush for?

We have learnt from history that human beings tend to repeat their mistakes. But the good thing is we can still learn from our mistakes. By doing so, we may reduce the probability to fall back to our same old self. I guess that the contradicting and yet amazing thing for being a human being. And of course, we must always admit our mistakes before getting a chance to fix it.

Wish that I can be a better than the me yesterday. Wish that I will have the patience, the wisdom to help others to become better when they need me. And wish that those of you have just finished reading may become better people as well.

From Anger to Aggression

anger [noun] a strong feeling of wanting to hurt or criticize someone because they have done something bad to you or been unkind to you


aggression [noun] angry or threatening behaviour or feelings that often result in fighting


Well... when you look them up on dictionary, there isn't much difference between anger and aggression. Nevertheless, I believe that being angry is just kind of feeling that is more like an instant impulse, while aggressive is a less impulsive and more desired kind of... emotion. Something that drives you to become more proactive and daring. That's why when watching NBA, players always say that they need to stay aggressive to attack the basket. Of course, it will become another dictionary loop if we look up the meanings for feeling and emotion...


The point I am trying to make here, is that even when these two kinds of status are so similar, such feeling still can turn out to be some sort of productive emotion (like when playing basketball). 


In our daily life, we always like to classify feelings such as happy, pleasant, pride, positive into the category of "good feelings". On the other hand, things like sad, angry, envy, greedy, are "bad feelings". However, there is no such thing as good or bad feeling, there are just feelings, immediate response that you give out to the stimulus outside the world. 


The key is, whether you choose to transfer those feelings into some useful form of energy that lifts your life up. A greedy person can be progressive when he knows how to manage his greed; A pessimistic person can be cautious and use this personality in a productive way; And an angry person can become aggressive and take control on current situation and turn it into something good, as long as that person holds valid principles in his mind.


The difference between a proactive person and a reactive person is whether he is able to use his impulses as a tool of life rather than being led by his own impulses. There, greed is good, anger is good too, as long as you are the master of them.

為何連左邊臉也要啊？

你們聽見有話說：「以眼還眼、以牙還牙。」只是我告訴你們，不要與惡人作對，有人打你的右面，連左臉也轉過來由他打。（馬太福音５：３８－３９）


Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. (Matthew 5:38-39)






因為就讀的學校的關係，對聖經故事還算有一定的了解，耶穌的這段話卻是記憶猶新，原因是因為祂的「無厘頭」，以前總是參不透祂想表達的訊息，加上看漫畫《老夫子》出現了老夫子真的被人打了右臉，卻真的把左臉轉給人打的劇情，更令我不能明白這說話當中的智慧。現在想想，這也是理所當然的… 


嘛，在我嘗試解釋前，先看看以下的一個小故事吧：（內容是憑本人的記憶打出來，可能和真正來源有所不同）


釋迦牟尼有一天遇上一個人，那個人因為一些原因很痛恨釋迦牟尼，於是他開始狠狠的罵釋迦，甚麼粗言穢語，問候娘親的全都用到了，釋迦卻只是輕輕的微笑著不為所動，那個人見釋迦無反應，於是就罵得更狠更毒，由早上開始罵到晚上；由釋迦上山的開始罵到下山；由本來罵得興緻勃勃到最後聲嘶力竭，釋迦卻還是保持著那輕輕的微笑。


那個人終於忍不住問釋迦：「為何我如此的辱罵你，你卻完全不回應我呢？」


釋迦卻反問他：「如果你從一個人那裏收到一份禮物，但你卻選擇不接受時，那這份禮物應當屬於誰呢？」


那個人很自然地回答：「那當然是送禮物給我的人吧。」


釋迦再問他：「那如果一個人對我不停的辱罵，我卻選擇不接受時，那這些辱罵又該屬於誰呢？」






這個故事給我最大的啟發，是我們在外界給予我們刺激時，我們其實是有能力選擇我們的反應的。再具體一點講，應用Stephen Covey在《The 7 Habits for Highly Effective People》中提到有關操之在我（Be Proactive）的理論中，我們在遇到外界刺激和作出反應之間，中間是可以有一個思考的過程的，我們不是動物，不是Ivan Pavlov的古典制約（Classical conditioning）中出現的狗狗。


因此。我們有自我意識（self-awareness）可以把我們抽離出現有環境，以一個更全面的角度看待現狀；我們也有良知（conscience）去告訴我們是非對錯；也充滿著想像力（imagination）去設想所有能夠行動的方案和可能的結果；最後，我們可以利用獨立意志（independent will）把上述思考得出的最佳辦法實現出來。這就是人類的奇妙之處，也是人類與其他動物的最大分別。


回到最初的問題，猶太人在耶穌出現在歷史之前，所依賴的就是「法典」。就像摩西在出埃及記中得到的十誡，就是最佳的例子。而法典在解決問題時最有效，甚至唯一的辦法就是「賞罰」。所以，相信並跟隨摩西的人就得到上帝的救贖，而放棄了上帝去膜拜金牛的則被掉進了地底深淵。法典是一種當出現了Ａ時，一定會用Ｂ來解決的死硬東西，就算韓非子提出「世易則事易，事易則備變」這種讓法典與時並進的觀念，依然是改變不到法典的本質的。甚麼是法典的本質？法，它可以大公無私，同時也可以冷酷無情。這就是以眼還眼、以牙還牙了。


後來，歷史中出現一個人，這個人告訴我們，這世上有一樣東西叫「愛」，這東西在我們的靈魂之中，在外界的刺激和我們的反應之間，因此，當有人打我們的右臉時，我們不一定要打回他的右臉，至於是否要把左臉轉給那人反倒是小問題了，重點是，我們可以選擇，無論結果是愛與不愛，打與不打，左臉不左臉，這都是我們的選擇，是我們的思想和意志的成品，如果把打了人的責任推給法典，則只是我們放棄了選擇的權利而已，這要怪誰啊？


人生不如意事十如八九，當有人在我面前暗暗（或明刀明槍）的針對我時，我是否理所當然要駁回去呢？我的伴侶因小事而無理取閙發脾氣時，我是否理所當然要悶悶不樂呢？在這些事情發生後，在我作出反應前，我是否擁有選擇的權利呢？我到底有沒有選擇到呢？還是我放棄了權利，讓身邊的人和事牽著我的情緒走呢？

Pretending

I love the statement that Hes brought up yesterday: One of the things that villians in fairy tales or comics or animations always do is "pretending". The Big Wolf in Little Red Riding Hood pretends to be the Grandma, the Step Mom in Snow White pretends to be an old lady, and Crocodile in One Piece pretends to be a good guy... (quite a minor one I know)

Although nowadays many of us take "pretending" as a necessary technique for life, a shortcut for a better career path, a band-aid solution for developing relations with others. The fact is, it never lasts long by just changing your attitude and behaviour. We, as human beings, just cannot pretend to be someone that we are not forever. It is just so damn tired to act in one way while your brain thinks differently.

If you really want to be friend with others, don't pretend to be interested in their hobbies and thoughts. Go and really get interested in them! And if you don't want to put too much efforts on these, let the others understand that you simply don't care. Being unmasked is always embarrassed, not just to others, but to your own self as well.

So be honest, don't be a villian.